At the beginning of this year I decided to move back to Cambridge. Prior to this,…
I haven’t blogged in a while as I haven’t been feeling great but I don’t want to make this post a plea for sympathy, there’s already enough of that on my blog! I also don’t feel as though I’m quite finished crying yet. There is one thing I do want to talk about though: my friends. Yes, I’m writing something that isn’t about myself.
I’ve had an abundance of support recently, from my friends to my family and also from people who I barely know or talk to and I am sincerely grateful for that. I remember being a bit of an outsider at school and although I got along with everyone, I sort of mingled about never really committing to anyone as a best friend. BUT NOW, I have so many friends. And they are all my best friends because there is no way I’m choosing one best friend.
I sometimes sit and think; wow people are so shitty. Okay, maybe more than sometimes. BUT, recently all I’ve been thinking about is how charming people are. Obviously, it hasn’t suddenly dawned upon me because I’m going through a rough time that people are charming but it has certainly shown me who I can count on. I feel as though having the courage to reach out and ask for help can work to ones favour from time to time. I mean, I am living proof that escaping toxic places and being vocal about distressing experiences can really make a difference to our lives*. This is where my friends come in. I won’t mention everyone individually. Plus, I love them all the same anyway. Maybe some slightly differently: e.g. Eliss for being a sweet gentle angel and Kayleigh for being absolutely wild. I honestly do not believe that I would be as happy as I am right now if I didn’t have my friends to support me. I wouldn’t be as confident and self-assured as I am today if I didn’t have them. I definitely wouldn’t have had as much fun or laughed as much as I have if I didn’t have them.
I had no idea it was possible to love people as much as I love the network of people who have been supporting me recently. I think we get hooked on the idea that love is supposed to be romantic or only with one other individual to whom we commit ourselves. Honestly, fuck that. I genuinely get frustrated when I think about all the times I’ve mistakenly invested all of my love into one person. And I get so overwhelmed thinking about the amount of love I have for so many different people. I sometimes feel like I was given an abnormal amount of love because I still have so much of it bursting to escape.
I want to say more and I want to do more for the people I love but the feeling of inadequacy is a challenging one to shift and I’ve got all that crying I really must get back to. There is just one thing I’d like you all to know: I appreciate you. I really do. Even if you don’t know me and have stumbled across this post then I appreciate you for taking the time to read it. So, if you’ve got this far then thank you, I love you and I appreciate you.
*I understand not everyone can be vocal or reach out to others because it isn’t an option or it may jeopardise their safety. Also, it doesn’t make you any less courageous for not being able to reach out. I want those of you who are in a place where support networks aren’t an option that there is a glimpse of hope.